Once upon a Time, an Unsuspecting Resident Traveled to His Local DMV

Once upon a time, an unsuspecting resident traveled to his local DMV...

Not wanting to spend any time stuck in a long line of strange people, he used the new electronic queueing system. At 8am he was 24th in the virtual line with a wait time of 167 minutes. No problem he thought, I'll just keep working from home until they page me that the time is near.

Time slowly passed, but he was busy working so who cares how slow the virtual line is.

A rather quick 112 minutes later he receives a text alert stating the virtual wait is less than 30 minutes so feel free to go ahead and drive to the DMV.

DMV paperwork checklist. Current driver's license. ✔️Check. Birth certificate or valid Passport. ✔️Check. Two pieces of mail proving your residency. ✔️Check. Social Security Card, a 1099 statement, or a W-2 tax statement. ✔️Check.

(singing to himself) Wallet, keys, phone. ✔️ Check.

(finishes singing the Adam Sandler song about Wallet, keys, and phone)

He heads out of the house and then Dukes of Hazard-style slides across the hood to the driver's side.

Errrrrrk, hold up! EFFF-N facemask? Rummages in the glovebox finally locate his trusty original March 2020 COVID disposable mask. Barely been used 75 times so far, and still some traces of white(-ish) cotton are visible. ✔️Check, let's motor!

A short commute begins and our intrepid adventurer arrives at a fairly full DMV parking lot. Parking is secured, and off he goes to enter the building.

His phone buzzes again and the message happily proclaims "You have reached the front of the line! Please go to the License Counter line. Hurry or your spot will be lost"...

Our traveler turns the corner and runs into 40 other people waiting to get into the DMV front door. No worries, everyone is in the queue, he is up next according to the message.

Over the loudspeaker an apologetic employee announces the Queueing system has "glitched" and everyone who was in the system received the same message. NO ONE is actually up next. We've rebooted <3 times most likely (like The IT Crowd TV show)> and now everyone needs to log back in and re-register so we can move things along... "I'll be here all day, but I bet you folks don't want to be..."

Our semi-disgruntled traveler quickly whips out the smartphone. Capable of typing faster than everyone else within sight, he gets back into the registration system and finds himself #4 in the new line. The estimated wait is 48 minutes.

EFFF-this! Back to the car he heads and runs two other errands around town while vigilantly getting regular text updates on the magical waiting line.

64 minutes later he returned to the DMV front door.

Traveling the dark interior of city hall, he winds his way to the dank corner clearly marked "Driver's License Renewal" ...

Great! He has entered a new short line of 6 people sitting in chairs slowly shuffling forward every 5-10 minutes as they edge closer to the plexiglass DMZ service window.

Bored and tired of stalking (and re-ranking) his celebrity female crushes via Instagram, our traveler decides to listen in on the conversations of other people currently at the DMV counter.

The DMV employee asks "Did you want a regular license or the new RealID license?", a confused 70-year-old lady asks "Which one do I need?"

"One costs more money..." <pause>

Seeing that his elderly customer is not getting the joke, the DMV employee then asks "Do you plan on flying on an airplane in the future?"

"Yeah, I travel several times a year to visit family," she says.

"Okay, well if you don't get the new RealID you won't be flying anymore after October so you probably want that one." She agrees more paperwork continues, blah blah blah.

Our weary traveler bored with this conversation goes back to trying to figure out who will be Wife #3 via Pinterest this time. Thank goodness for free city-provided WiFI.

A younger customer moves to the DMV counter and quickly asks for RealID. DMV employee then starts collecting paperwork from him. This guy looks a bit rough around the edges, maybe he will be entertaining.

The DMV worker says "Okay, we need two pieces of mail showing you live at the current address". Scruffy guy says, "You mean like phone bills or electric bills?" DMV "Yep that will work"

"Okay, here you go..." as the guy holds his phone up against the plexiglass (bullet-proof?) window.

"No, no, we need a paper copy..."

"I don't have any paper bills, all my stuff is electronic only, right here on my phone," says Scruffy.

"Sorry sir, you will have to go print those out and then bring them back to us"

"Errr, I don't have a computer or a printer dude, it's all here on my phone"

DMV guys "Sorry sir, we need those printed so we can make a copy for the records. If you don't have a computer, you can always go to the public library to get it printed out."

"The library is mostly closed due to COVID!" Scruffy says, not quite yelling yet.

DMV "Oh yeah limited hours at the library due to the Corona.."

The other DMV employee chimes in to be helpful... "Actually the library is CLOSED for reconstruction, so you will have to figure something else out for bringing in paper copies," says DMV #2.

<end of that customer conversation> Thankfully! Great, our traveler is almost up to the DMV window himself.

29 minutes later...

"Yes, I would like RealID so I can fly in airplanes" states our traveler to the DMV worker.

"Papers please..." replies the worker. <Our traveler swears this phrase [Papiere bitter] was uttered in a WW2-era German accent>

A couple of paper utility bills are accepted as proof (old school analog rules!) and then the DMV guy asks for proof of social security status. "Your SSN card, a W-2, or even a 1099 tax receipt will do."

"Easy peasy... here is my W-2 and also a 1099"

"Sir, neither one of these W-2 or 1099 forms has your FULL social security number printed on it... they only have the last 4 digits. We need all your digits."

<cue the other DMV employee being helpful again>

"yeah, I don't know why they tell people they can use W2/1099, no reputable company prints the entire SSN anymore."

DMV #1 - "So do you have anything else with your SSN printed on it?"

Reluctantly the traveler pulls out his original blue SSN card, which he never carries, because it is such a pain to get replaced if lost. SSN in a fireproof safe is better than a wallet any day.

DMV guy "Heck, why didn't you just give me this to begin with?"

The DMV guy rechecks all the paperwork feeds it into the document scanner and immediately jams. Three tries later and all of our traveler's documents have been stored in the cloud (somewhere). <Confirmation that either China or Pakistan have their own copies of these files will be verified tomorrow, most likely during an automated fraud alert.>

A quick eye chart test is passed, and street signs are identified with barely passing grades. Now our traveler gets a fresh new photo taken, and a cheap black & white temporary license is printed out.

<The End?> --- I sh*t you not, none of this was made up.