I've been collecting these since the late 90's, and if you search the internet will usually find a similar but much smaller list (
like my older FB posting). I'm resurrecting my compiled list of quotes for friends and family who still spend too much of their lives at work. For a fun challenge just memorize your favorites and then yell out the quote's list number instead of the actual phrase . . . "I think Bob is asking for a #11 today.
Post-COVID these phrases can still be useful during your Work-From-Home, Enterprise Service Desk shift, or any other Remote-Work situation...
1. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
2. A sharp tongue does not mean that you have a sharp mind.
3. Ahhh . . . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
4. And your crybaby whiny-ass opinion would be?
5. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
6. Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
7. B*tch says what?
8. Brains aren't everything, in fact in your case . . . they're nothing.
9. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
10. Chaos, panic, and disorder . . . my work here is finally done.
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11. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
12. Did you ever play that kids game "Simon Says"? ... Simon says Go f*ck yourself.
13. Did your mother drop you on your head, or was it more of a touchdown spike?
14. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?
15. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no one caring.
16. Don't believe everything you think.
17. Don't let your mind wander, it is too small to be let out on its own.
18. Errors have been made . . . others will be blamed.
19. Even though I disagree with it; you are the strongest argument for abortion I've ever met
20. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
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21. How about never? Is never good for you?
22. How about a nice big cup of shut the f*ck up?
23. How do I set a laser printer to STUN?
24. How long have you been working on your stupidity and arrogance?
25. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
26. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
27. I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
28. I don't work here . . . I'm a consultant.
29. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a d*mn.
30. I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody will adopt you.
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31. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
32. I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
33. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
34. I thought I wanted a career! It turns out, I just wanted a salary.
35. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
36. I would ask you how old you are, but I reckon you can't count that high.
37. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
38. If a**holes could fly, you'd be supersonic.
39. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
40. If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically invulnerable.
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41. If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . then place it over your mouth.
42. If you want a friend, get a dog.
43. If you were twice as smart as you are now, you would still be absolutely stupid.
44. I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
45. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
46. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
47. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
48. I'm out of my mind at the moment but feel free to leave a message.
49. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
50. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
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51. It sounds like English, but I don't understand a d*mn word you're saying.
52. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
53. It's better to let people think you're stupid than to open up your mouth and prove it. Right, Moron?
54. Meeting you helps me understand why some animals eat their young.
55. My "give a f*ck is still broken", but my "go f*ck yourself" is still fully functional.
56. My "Last Will and Testament" is in order . . . is yours?
57. My goodness, don't we have an exaggerated sense of our own importance.
58. Nice perfume (or aftershave), but must you marinate in it?
59. Obviously you have mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t.
60. Oh ... you're still talking, I stopped listening 5 minutes ago.
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61. Oh, I get it. Like humor, only different.
62. People like you, are the reason we have middle fingers.
63. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
64. Say your peace and have your say . . . I need a 5 minute daydream anyways.
65. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, but it looks like this guy just gargled.
66. Talking to you and flushing the toilet gives me the same stimulation.
67. Thank you! We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
68. The fact that no one understands you does not mean you're an artist.
69. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
70. This isn't Russia, you don't have to work here.
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71. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
72. Wait a minute! I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.
73. Well . . . aren't you a black hole of need.
74. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
75. What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity.
76. What we have here is a complete failure to give a sh*t.
77. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
78. Who am I calling "stupid"? Good question . . . I don't know, what is your name?
79. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
80. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable . . . like a coma.
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81. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
82. You and I are complete opposites . . . for example, I'm a horse's head.
83. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
84. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
85. Your proctologist called. Your head is ready.
86. You're not as stupid as you look, which must have been a great relief to your parents.
87. You're not yourself today . . . I noticed the improvement straight away.
88. I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
89. I'd love to explain it to you, but I don't have any crayons.
90. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.
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91. It's OK if you disagree with me. I can't force you to be right.
92. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
93. Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time!
94. I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm just saying you've got really bad luck when it comes to thinking.
95. I just agree with you so that you can stop talking.
96. I'm the best there is but I'm not available.
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